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put your drinkin’ shoes on and leave the jean shorts at home

April 9, 2014

masterscantspell If you’re reading this and don’t live in Augusta, I’m going to assume that you’re a golf fan. If you’re not a golf fan, you’re probably married to one. It’s not that there aren’t other reasons to come to town. It’s just that no one in their right mind would be here this week, braving the crowds, if they didn’t have any plans to hit the tournament (read: tunamint).
In fact, many Augustans get out of town. They spend weeks, months even, cleaning out closets, sprucing up yards, and stocking up on new sheets and towels, in preparation for renting their house. It’s a lot of work, but it’s all worth it when you get a big, tax-free check from the renters.
Most people who stay do so because it’s a great week to live here. There are complainers (always are!), and everyone tries to avoid the traffic, but it’s basically one big adult spring break. Having beer during the day is more acceptable than usual. We usually offer perfect weather, although the pollen will be out of control. We move our televisions outside, eagerly anticipating the afternoon coverage.
We’re glad you’re here. I do have a couple of tips for you, though.
Please, forthelove, do not wear jeans (or worse, jean shorts) to the golf course. I’m not asking that you get all fancy or anything, but respect the sport. Khaki pants or shorts and a collared shirt for the guys, and dresses, skirts, or nice shorts for the women. We like to call it Southern casual. Wear shoes you can walk in. ‘Cause you’re gonna walk a lot.
Speaking of shoes, ladies, forget the fancy heels. It’s completely acceptable for women to wear running shoes with a dress. You’ll see people in golf shoes, too. This used to puzzle me, but spikes handle muddy, smelly grass better than any other footwear.
Because we had a monsoon on Monday, you’ll be glad you listened to me. I’ve had many friends who insisted on wearing cute shoes to match their outfit. They were the first ones to slip and fall in the stinky mud out there. If it happens, I can promise none of your friends will leave the tournament, so you’ll be forced to walk around with what looks like a bad potty accident up the back of your precious seersucker.
For the first time since 1994, before he was an amateur, Tiger won’t be here. Like him or not, it’ll be noticeable. Ticket scalpers will tell you about the direct correlation between Tiger’s performance (or attendance) and sale prices. I won’t miss his cheering section. It’s like a wrestling match. Don’t get me wrong. There’s nothing better than the loud roar that follows a flawless putt. It’s the “Get it in the hole!” or “You da man, Tiger!” as soon as he tees off that is borderline offensive.
Speaking of loud roars, if you want to witness the cause of such excitement, don’t stand near me. I like to call them the Faraway Roars, because they always seem to happen far away from where I am. I have seen a couple of holes in one on 16, but otherwise, I have to wait and see the replay when I get home.
Don’t bring your phones or cameras. They ain’t kidding. Once Wednesday is over, no cameras allowed. Cell phone s are never allowed. Really, people. Never. There’re several banks of courtesy phones around the course, and you can pretty much call China for free. “How will I find my people,” you ask? Set a time, pick a place, and meet up. It’s like the olden days. You’ve got this.
If you decide to bring a phone anyway, you’ll get caught. Trust me here. As soon as that hot pink Otter Box iPhone comes out of your pocket, an official will come out of the azaleas and vaporize you.
Hopefully, everyone in Augusta will treat you with respect, kindness, and southern hospitality. When done well, there’s nothing better. Please wave back, say thanks, and don’t be afraid of conversation with a stranger. Ask for directions. We want to help, and especially this week, we love showing off our town.
Walton Way is Walton Way, Washington Road is Washington Road, and The Partridge Inn is the Partridge Inn. For some reason we don’t shorten them to Walton, Washington, or The Partridge. It is what it is.
Otherwise, have a big time. Enjoy our restaurants and bars. Relax in our houses, and know that hours went into making them yours. The weather is supposed to be perfect. Eat an egg salad or ten, and remember that a beer held too long will only get warm. Welcome, y’all!

Originally published in the Metro Spirit, Augusta, GA on April 10,2014

9 Comments leave one →
  1. Stacy permalink
    April 9, 2014 12:48 pm

    Quiet is misspelled on the sign. Not a great way to show off our state.

    • Jenny permalink*
      April 9, 2014 12:49 pm

      I know it is! That’s why we took the pic of the sign. It’s just supposed to be funny 🙂

  2. Les permalink
    April 9, 2014 2:43 pm

    Um…I don’t get how it’s funny? I mean…it still shows a sign at the prestigious tournament spelled wrong. You strive so hard to promote Augusta all the time. I’m surprised you found the humor in it.

    • Jenny permalink*
      April 9, 2014 2:47 pm

      I just took it as totally lighthearted – just like this column. People make little mistakes everywhere. Doesn’t lessen their value or prestige. We will just have to agree to disagree! 🙂 thanks for reading!

      • Les permalink
        April 10, 2014 7:34 am

        Love reading your column! Didn’t mean to come across harshly or anything.
        Hey…I make mistakes daily! Ha! I look forward to reading your post-tourney report.

  3. Elizabeth permalink
    April 9, 2014 3:25 pm

    I took this picture. At the time, I found it humorous to find a…GASP… mistake at The National. How could it be?? The National strives for perfection, They even put down green sand to cover up bare patches in the grass. A misspelling shows Augusta National is not immune to mistakes. Given the endless accolades and praise The Masters brings to Augusta, I doubt this will harm the Brand. The picture shows the human side of your wonderful city, which Jenny often conveys in her weekly column. However, I bet she’d consider using a different pic in exchange for a couple of lifetime badges. 😉

  4. April 10, 2014 8:08 am

    I think you were reading my mind when you wrote this. Good read! Good times! Good week! Happy Masters!

  5. April 12, 2014 1:46 pm

    as I said, forget the masters ( blasphemy, I know,) come to Fl. and sit with me by my pool !


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