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Hey guys: is it really that hard? Actually, it might be.

October 18, 2013

never-listen-to-meGentlemen, let me set the scene. You’ve conceded and gone shopping with your wife. She’s trying on clothes, and you’re in the dressing room waiting area. She comes out every once in awhile, asking what you think. “It looks good, honey!” is really all she needs.
Easy enough, right? Not for this guy.
I was trying on clothes the other day and overheard the fella in question “helping” his wife choose new jeans.
“I love these cropped jeans,” the woman came out of the room talking. “Either I have a lost weight, or the sizes have changed for this – what brand is it? Lee – brand of jeans.” She was optimistic, giddy almost.
We all know what he should’ve said: “You’ve obviously lost weight, Term of Endearment!”
As I’m sure you’ve guessed, that’s not what he said. Buckle up, ladies and gents. He said, laughing, “well you definitely haven’t lost weight, so the sizes must be screwed up.”
Although it seems horribly mean, he didn’t use an abusive tone. I really wanted to bless his heart to the moon and back. He was clueless. She laughed and agreed with him. Once he was out of earshot, she assured her mother that she had, in fact, lost weight, and it wasn’t a sizing problem. Her mom wholeheartedly agreed. Smart woman.
How is it that, with all the internet has to offer, a plentitude of books, and just, um, paying attention, this guy has it so wrong?
When she asks if these pants make her look fat, fight the honesty urge. “No, your butt makes you look fat,” isn’t acceptable. If you want to get lucky, keep it to yourself.
It’s true that women are overly sensitive about their appearances. There’s no right way to answer the “am I fat” question unless you’re 100% sure your words will be complimentary. If you aren’t sure, try avoidance. Trust me. I liken it to satisfying pregnancy curiosity. Don’t ask unless you are sure. Like, if the baby is coming out of them at that very moment, you may ask if they’re pregnant. The fat question requires a similar level of confidence.
When she asks what you think about her dress, think before you speak, and listen to this little tidbit. She thinks she cares what you think about the dress. Nope. She cares what her friends think of the dress. She might hope you think she looks hot in the dress, but that’s where it ends. Clothes are purchased for other women. I guess there are rare exceptions to that rule, but for the most part, it’s true.
Listen, I don’t think all guys are stupid or anything. I also don’t think this is all the man’s fault. The very fact that explanations are required is a little silly. Women are confusing. We may be seemingly inconsistent, but if you pay attention, it’s not that hard.
If I say, “Hey babe, do you want to take the trash on your way out?” I’m really not asking. It’s merely a polite way of saying, “take the trash on your way out.” With my way, it sounds less like a lecture and more like a choice. A friend told me she incorporates “we” into the requests. “We need to clean out the shed.” Or, “we should get the leaves out of the gutter.” I’m not the betting type, but I’d go double or nothing on Kathleen not cleaning the shed or the gutters. She sure does sound friendly, though.
As you can see, it’s not that hard. Remember this: If she says “we” she means “you.” If she asks any question involving the word “fat,” the answer is “no.” If you really want to impress her, tell her the friends will love the dress, but she sure does look hot in it. If Mama thinks she’s skinny and well dressed, she’ll be happy. When in doubt, pour her a glass of wine. Bubbly’s better. Cheers!

*originally published in the Metro Spirit, Augusta, GA

2 Comments leave one →
  1. October 18, 2013 10:28 am

    I actually read the hard copy of this in the Spirit on Wednesday night at AGS while I was waiting for my daughter’s late flight to arrive. Good advice.

  2. Kathleen permalink
    October 18, 2013 4:45 pm

    I’m jenny is wright famous!

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