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Resolutions Schmesolutions

January 10, 2013

resolutions3 (1)

What resolutions will you break this year? I’m not being a pessimist. I’m a realist. Don’t get me wrong; I’ll set some goals and keep them. Most of them will go out with the dirty dishwater.

The idea of resolutions at the start of the new year is a good one, really. After two weeks of ingesting nothing but cheese, chocolate, and wine, everyone needs to reset. I’m not sure why, though. That diet sounds delicious. I think I ate more cheese this Christmas than I did the whole rest of the year. I went to a party where all but 2 appetizers had cheese as one of the main ingredients. The remaining two did at least have dairy. I love cheese, but sheesh. Reset.

This year, I’m making resolutions that are unbreakable. Don’t believe me? Listen here.

I resolve to drink wine. I hope it doesn’t sound like I have a problem. I’d actually like to drink less wine than I did last year. I just think it should be more expensive wine. With as much as I love champagne, I need to add that to the rotation more often, too. I just learned that it’s lower in calories than wine anyway. Win win. Bubbly it is. Is that a separate resolution?

I resolve to drink more bubbly.

I resolve to do laundry. Well, of course I do laundry now, fools. With the way my kids’ feet smell, their socks walk on their own after one wearing. Laundry is inevitable. I’m just promising to continue to do it. Easy goal.

I resolve to make more money. My first thought was to resolve to treat myself for fancy things more. I like manicures and nice dinners out with The Man. However, I decided that I should start small. If I make more, I can probably spend a little more too, making my original intention entirely possible. Now I just need to find that money tree.

I resolve to plant something. I suppose it would be wise to plant that money tree myself, but I have a bad habit of killing plants. There are plants in our house that are still alive, but it’s a sad sight. Two are houseplants that apparently don’t require much water. How do I know? Because they don’t get much water. Seriously, I think they’ve been watered twice in six months. My brother in law says that’s cruel treatment of a plant. I say they don’t look thirsty. We have some cool shamrocks that The Boy’s former teacher brought back from Ireland, and they’ve died and come back to life at least a dozen times. That’s my kind of plant.  So, I’ll plant something. I’ll even add keeping it alive to the challenge. If I could then eat the thing I plant, like, say a tomato, that would completely blow my mind. Maybe next year.

I resolve to keep in touch with my friends. The Man is laughing right now. I don’t have a problem in this department. It’s a good thing we don’t pay for long distance. Like I said, though, I’m making promises I can keep. Aim low for supreme satisfaction.

I resolve to continue to eat cheeseburgers and pizza. I like healthy food, I do. My kids enjoy healthy meals, and so does The Man, but I love cheeseburgers and thin crust pizza. This should be an easy one.

I resolve to continue to pass judgment on liars, cheaters, and thieves. Not like religious judgment or anything, just “wow what the hell” judgment. Quit judging me for doing it. If you have any sense, you feel the same way.  We must be at the age when people abandon all virtues. I can’t for the life of me figure out how one finds the time to have an affair, and then thinks they won’t get caught. Who doesn’t get caught? Don’t even get me started on the stealing, either.

I resolve to love my kids. Any parent knows that this goes without saying. Some days are easier than others, but I’ll keep loving them. I’ll get mad when they take forever choosing a dadgum grid spot to call out in Battleship when it’s at the beginning of the game and it doesn’t even matter yet (just guess! my battleships could be anywhere at this point!), but I’ll still love them. I’ll want to run away when The Boy chooses to write and illustrate the entire script for Phantom of the Opera instead of listening to the lecture that his wonderful teacher prepared. I’ll beat my head against the wall when The Girl teaches her friends a new cuss word. I’ll still love them, though.

I resolve to stay married. Well, duh. I love my husband. I know I drive him crazy, and he sees an awful lot of my bad moods, but I hope he’ll keep me.

See how that worked? I set reasonable goals for myself. I have a feeling this is going to be a super successful year. Sure, I’ll exercise more and eat better. I’ll keep my house cleaner and such. I’m not making any of those promises out loud, though. Sure would hate to disappoint myself.  Now let’s get started. Someone pop the cork. Cheers!

3 Comments leave one →
  1. yourothermotherhere permalink
    January 10, 2013 8:17 pm

    What an incredibly smart person! Cheers!


  1. And She Will Call It “Resolutions” | A Simple, Village Undertaker

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