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15 things in 5 minutes

August 17, 2011

I sent The Kids back to school today. Chaos breeds chaos, so here are my random thoughts.If it seems that some of these are complaints, well, maybe they are. If you’re offended, I’ll bet you’ve been one of the offenders.

  1. Just because you can buy a size 6 doesn’t mean you should squeeze yourself into it. If I can see the entire outline of your undergarments, your clothing is too tight.
  2. Cover it up, ladies. This includes but is not only specific to the scantily clad lady I saw at the grocery store. I know that it was hot. We were all hot. A white ribbed tank top and black thong do not an outfit make. Sure, I saw your slippers but I missed your pants. Stretching a tank top down past your behind doesn’t turn it into a dress.
  3. The same people who complained about the cold are now groaning about the heat. You can’t have it both ways, people. The way I see it, people complaining about the cold have a leg to stand on. We live in Augusta. It’s not supposed to get that cold here. As for the heat? It’s August in the South. DEAL.
  4. Wasn’t everyone taught to stay in the right lane except to pass?
  5. I’m no speed demon but am baffled by those who drive excessively slow. They must literally spend all day in the car.
  6. The use of the word “literally” has completely gotten out of hand. “I literally crapped my pants when I saw our power bill.” Really?
  7. A breast-feeding baby has hit toy store shelves. Actually, I hear that it’s sold out on Amazon. My only problem with the whole thing is that they provide a bra for little girls (or boys!) to wear. A five year old doesn’t need a bra for any reason. Unless it’s padded. Only big perky ones for my little princess.
  8. They’ve banned cell phones in Richmond County schools. What’s the big deal? The biggest argument for them seems to be that communication for after-school activities is necessary. What happened to “Soccer practice is over at 4. I’ll pick you up then”? The offices still have phones, right?
  9. The Girl is in a kindergarten class where six children have double names (she’s one of them). Notice I didn’t say six girls. One’s a boy. You know you live in Augusta when…
  10. The Kids are riding the bus home from school this year. I’m feeling pretty empty knowing that I’ll miss all kinds of good people watching. Interviews have begun for a stand-in snooper and cheater catcher.
  11. Someone found my blog by searching “church no underwear.” I’d love to know how that worked out.
  12. We were having lunch at the Augusta Country Club yesterday. While discussing putting together The Boy’s bunk beds, The Girl said “Oh, Daddy can do the banging and Mama can do the screwing!”
  13. Later that night, The Boy said “So Mama, this is your first time screwing?” I love kids. I also love that The Man and I found this and No. 12 insanely funny. It was sort of like saying “butt” in front of an 8 year old.
  14. Some of my best friends and I had a conference call the other night. It was wonderfully chaotic. It was almost as good as seeing them in person. I did get disconnected at one point but they noticed. It was too quiet all of a sudden. I look forward to these monthly calls.
  15. We are less than one month away from the start of college football. I don’t know about you, but I’m stocking up on Boston butts and cheap beer. This also means that fall is looming. Complainers about the weather, start thinking of your next gripe!
4 Comments leave one →
  1. August 17, 2011 10:21 pm

    Mosque no underwear.

  2. Colleen permalink
    August 17, 2011 10:51 pm

    Best one yet!! Laughed (hard) out loud several times…and I need it. You know, because it was hot today. Or cold. Or trafficky. I can’t remember. 🙂 Can we put the conference calls on the calendar? xoxox

  3. August 18, 2011 11:36 am

    hilarious!!! love how you ended it.

  4. Mandy permalink
    August 19, 2011 11:23 am

    A link to the breastfeeding baby, please. I’ve never heard of such madness. Great series of observations – my husband would agree about “literally” – also “literally” should never be followed by “crapped my pants” if you’re above the age of 4, maybe.

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