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I See London, I See France!

May 5, 2011

With Easter having just passed, summer approaching and clothing becoming minimal and a general trend towards more revealing attire, it might be time for an examination of underwear etiquette.

People are particular about undergarments.  Some like delicate lace, others prefer durable and practical cotton.  There are ladies who won’t attend church without panty hose and many won’t wear them for anything.   Quite a few prefer no underwear, as has been proven by Lohan, Hilton and Spears.

Obviously, celebs aren’t the only ones who elect to go commando.   While using the free vacuums at the car wash on Washington Road last week, The Boy yells, “Mama, look at her booty!”  And he meant it.  Just as I was about to scold him for talking about someone’s bottom (and so loudly!), I looked over to see the entirety of this girl’s rear bits as she bent over to clean her floor mats.  If she was actually wearing underwear, ouch!   I shushed the kids and hopped in the car.  No need for an anatomy lesson just yet.

Support garments are growing in popularity.  This isn’t your grandmother’s girdle, people.  Basically, you get the control top part of panty hose without the horribleness of a leg cocoon.  I have to admit, they are great.  Sure, it might be better to eat healthy food and exercise, but Spanx make skinny so easy.

Last year, I was playing singles in the Banana Open at Petersburg Racquet club.  I couldn’t for the life of me figure out why the shorts I’d put on under my skirt were riding up so high.  They were covering my stomach, despite the near constant tugging.  They felt so tight.  They were not tennis shorts.  They were  Spanx.  Do you know how hard it is to fit your extra tennis ball into compression shorts?  I lost the match.  I blame the inability to take deep breaths.

Panty hose.  Is it still expected that women wear them to work?  When I first moved to Augusta over a decade ago, I worked for WJBF-TV and there was still a panty-hose-mandatory policy.  I wore pants as much as I could to avoid them.  Are the nude ones supposed to look like real skin?  Anyone out there with super tan netted skin and a seam across your toes, please stand up.

This wouldn’t be a discussion about underwear without the mention of the low-rise jeans issue.    Although I do feel like this has gotten a lot better (lower underwear?  Jeans on the rise?), it’s still a problem.  These people with inches of their panties and hiney hanging out baffle me.  Don’t they feel the breeze?  How do they not notice that they’re mooning everyone behind them?

We ran out of time to talk about the brassiere.  Let’s just say this about that:  wear one.  No one wants to see that.

And for the love, please wear panties to the car wash.  Or at least treat me to lunch first.

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